Joshyboy's Contest Submission

Joshyboy

Alright lads, here is my work of fiction what i am submitting for the competition, hope you lads enjoy it!

I turned on the telly and saw that the UK had become over-run with zombies. I exhaled and felt lucky that i was tucked away in bed in me villa in the Mediterranean, with two sexy senoritas by my side. One was called Franchesca, she had large breasts and no sense of dignity, an element of her personality that i frequently would exploit for my own sexual conquests. The other was called Rachaelnita. She had more trouble adjusting to a three way relationship then the other lass, so i had made sure to slip morphine tablets into her breakfast and evening meals to keep her at ease. They peeled grapes for me and i ate them. It was dead good.
I awoke in the morning to more news reports about the zombies. Thankfully the army men had surrounded england with an anti-zombie forcefield, so i was dead happy. I walked onto the porch and turned on me out door telly. I was bored with the zombie news so i switched it over to an Italian talk show. I didn't understand a word they were saying, but there was lots of shouting and mild violence, which kept me entertained. The host also looked rather fit from certain angles, which kept me attention longer then Jerry Springer, who only looked fit during that week where i had the concussion.
Later i went sailing on my yacht with me mate Timmy. Timmy liked me cause I'd always pay for everything. He said i was funny so the thought that he was just there for me money (much like them lasses) never crossed my mind, until i filed for bankruptcy the following March. On the yacht we flew kites and talked about the weather. We also saw a rock that looked a bit like Fern Cotton after a fire.
Then i had a bath and went to bed. England was nuked fifteen times then everyone moved back into their zombie-free houses. Was bloody good that was.

I woke up again in the middle of the night. I needed a piss, so i went for a piss. While going for a piss, i noticed i was almost out of tooth paste, and so went into the kitchen with the intention of writing tooth paste down on the shopping list for that week. Suddenly, loads of new characters appeared. They were all quite nice, but in my house in the middle of the night. I panicked twice then shot em all, exercising my right to self defense. I killed em all really cool with some karate and an uzi, all in slow motion. Neo would have been proud, had i not beat him the previous year in a strong man competition, which caused him to have seventeen hernias before dieing with lung cancer, all within the space of a minute.
Now that i had loads of corpses in me kitchen, i looked a bit weired, so i rang up me mate Garry. Garry seemed like the type who would know what to do, as he spoke with a gravelly voice, and i had only met him once previously, which made him mysterious, to me at least. "Garry, i said, i killed some people. What do i do?". "Hang on there kidda", he replied. Suddenly, Garry was there on his motorbike. "Garry, how did you get here this fast?". "I had been watching you from them bushes over there for three days now. It was pure coincidence that you called me. Slightly less comfortable in the presence of Garry, i continued to explain the situation. "I know" he said, "Me cousin is a body disposal expert". Suddenly, he was there too. "A karate related death is really hard to dispose, so i will need payment upfront". It turned out he did not want money, but the loving caress of another living thing, be it man, woman, or dog. I give him 20 minutes with me lass who i'd been drugging, as she didn't even know where she was anymore.
Eighteen days later, we had sailed to middlesbrough by train, as that guy reckoned it was the best place to dump the corpses. We dumped the corpses in a playground then played pool for six hours. When we left, we noticed that there were zombies everywhere, so we ran like fuck!
Once we had made it back to the safety of spain, we laughed. "Hahaha" I said. Then we played another six hours of pool, but in spain. This man in the bar had been given me funny looks all night. It turned out that he thought i was posh spice, so i promptly corrected him then politely asked if he would stop touching my face. After 2 hours, he had stopped touching me, and we went for a kebab.
At the kebab store, there were zombies, so we killed em, and ordered a kebab. The shop had no one that spoke english, so we rang the police, and got done for racism.
I also wrestled tigers in middlesbrough, but forgot to put that bit in.

By this point i was a bit tired, so i went to bed. In bed, i noticed that my duvet was disgustingly out of style. I got up and had a piss, then put "New Duvet" on me shopping list. Me kitchen was covered in blood and smelt of karate, so i woke up me two wives, as it was there job to clean up such things.
When i woke up it was winter. The sea had for some reason frozen, and people were driving trucks over it to send supplies to neighboring continents. A guy said to me " DO YOU WANT TO BE AN ICE ROAD TRUCKER!?". I said yes, but not with the same enthusiasm that he had. Suddenly i was in a truck, driving on the ice. There were people making a documentary about me, so i told em i wrestled tigers and killed people. They quickly ran away.
I woke up and it was all a dream. Then i woke up again and it was real. Then i woke up again and it was all a dream.
After that, i said to me mate jimmy "Here Jimmy, i've never met you, why would i reffer to you as a mate?". Jimmy didn't speak english, so i communicated to him through the medium of dance. We agreed that go karting was the best solution to our problems, and so took the nearest unlicensed taxi to the local go karting hut. After being kidnapped for two weeks and repeatedly raped, i was released, and found a licensed taxi to take me to the go karts. When i was there i won twice, but hit a man at full speed. He needed a hip replacement, so i promised that i would do it for him.
I took him home and through all me shit off me coffee table and lied him down. Using me diagram of the human eye, as well as a shaving razor, i was able to replace his broken hip with a bent lenght of scaelectrics tacking. He thanked me then collapsed on me porch from massive blood loss. I felt bad but when the police came i told them that it was me druggy wife, and she got put in prison for 2 months.
After that it was just me and franchesca. After finally sobering up, she asked me where she was and just who the hell was i. I said that ii was her eternal love, before knocking her on the head with that man's broken hip, that i had earlier extracted. She was knocked unconcious, so i made it look like suicide by throwing her into the nearest courtney love. After that, i had some toast with jam on it. It wasn't me favourite brand of jam though, so i threw the toast against the wall in anger. It stuck to the wall cause it was sticky. Realising i had no wives left to clean it up with, i set the house on fire and claimed it all back in insurance. I was quite happy with this, and went to the nearest amsterdam in celebration. There i developed a coke habit and ended up selling my body to pay for it. Then zombies came, which increased the size of my clientelle significantly. With the help of my local library, and the zombie customer money, i was able to buy a ticket back to italy, and met my wife rachewhatever who had just left prison. We played golf but she beat me so i hit her over the head with a club over and over again untill there was nothing left but fragments of brain matter and shattered bone. I then took up the violin and became first chair in the sidney national orchestra, and regularly play shows there to this day.

The end.

Comments and criticisms please.

MyNameDidntFit

... Uh...

A very unique story there Joshy...

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Leroy

You knwo its not going to be accepted because it doesn't have at lease 1000 words in it.

noobhunter001

lmao! im sorry i just was laughing too hard. but joshy...this is a serious competition

Joshyboy

Yes it is. Your point?

Leroy

So was the person that kept touching the guy for 3 hours gay? Thats funny.

MyNameDidntFit

I don't see a rule saying comedic zombie stories aren't allowed



This is the kind stuff I come up with when I'm trashed. Were you drunk while writing this at all?

Either way, got a good laugh out of it.

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Joshyboy

No, I'm just always like this.

Anyway, this forum (Leroy) doesn't seem to have any sense of humor, so you can all sail a train straight to hell.

MyNameDidntFit

I don't wanna go to hell, I've barely had time to use my new CD player...

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AzH

I tried sailing a train. It sank.

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MyNameDidntFit

You had a train... and you sank it??
WHY!?

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Leroy

Lol, this story is not even serious. For one thing a guy touches a guy for an hour and is told to stop by the other, but doesn't stop until after 2 hours have passed, fnny and pathetic.

Joshyboy

You are a shining jewel of brilliance, Leroy, that i can say for sure.

MyNameDidntFit

Leroy, look at the announcement that says the rules of the competition.
If you can find something that says the stories cannot be humorous... Well, you wont so...

Funny stories can be just as good as serious stories.

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Leroy

I never said they couldn't

TheDark12

That was totally British humour of you.