Shamblers

jhs3k

Shamblers



Story has gone to zombie fat camp to lose some weight.

MyNameDidntFit

That's pretty damn good!

The ending is a bit confusing and I'm not really sure how its meant to be taken... Otherwise the story is great; the location's an instant classic and the bits of humour in there are a welcome sight.

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jhs3k

Thank you very much.

Yep, that's my greatest fear, confusing the reader. I never want to over-explain something to the point of insulting the reader. I know exactly what it's supposed to look like, rolling it around in my own head, but it's so difficult to predict how another person will "see" the events.

How can I improve it/make it more clear?

MyNameDidntFit

Its just that last sentence about them spending the next several days shambling around the lake... What are you meaning by that?

The way I see it it could mean they were running from the zombies but with that they wouldn't really be shambling.
Or it could be that they are zombies, but that doesn't work with the previous part about how they did all the stuff they wanted in the coming months...

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AzH

It almost seems as if you either ran out of ideas or ran out of words so closed the thing down a little too abruptly. There is no finish to it, if you get my drift.

That being said, this is probably the most realistic account of what would happen. The disbelief and what the fuck attitude of the kids. If i saw a classic zombie shuffle towards me I'd look at it quizically and assume it was someone in fancy dress. I wouldn't run or attack it.

You've covered that perfectly and I think it's the best start to any of the entries we've seen thus far.

Well done.

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jhs3k

Thanks,

I had to cut the story drastically to fit it under 3000 words. The last part was supposed to be a forced march scenario. The whole point of that was to show how out of shape the kids were. That was the original idea for the story. I asked myself, What kind of prey can a shambler zombie catch? And I got this image of "the little fat kid" from the Far side comics waddling in front of a gang of zombies.

Also, I think I just got a little impatient & rushed toward the end. I think I'll try to smooth out the ending, but I'm also wanting to do a serious story.

AzH

I'd be interested to see it. You have a gift. Just yeah, space issues, eh?

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MyNameDidntFit

Don't worry yourself too much with that; like I've said a few times before, the 1000-3000 words is a more a guideline so we don't get ridiculously short/long entries

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jhs3k

Hey, finally got a chance to redo the ending. Trashed the original idea & went w/something new.

I jope it's not toooooo long.

AzH

What is the new word count?

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jhs3k

4200. I go too far?

MyNameDidntFit

Yeah, a few hundred words or so over is alright, but 1,200 over the limit is excessive.

The only reason I say this is that if we allow you make your entry that long it becomes very unfair against those who've already submitted entries and might have had to cut them short to fit in.

So you can either revert to the ending you had initially or write a new, shorter ending.

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jhs3k

Yeah, I understand. I was thinking a story that long opens up a big can of worms for you guys. But I like the way it turned out & can’t think of a good way to cut it. It’d be best if I just pull this one and write another one from scratch. If that’s ok.

Next week I’ll try one based on the L4D universe & I’ll keep it under 3k.

Thanks

MyNameDidntFit

Alright.

Thread closed.

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