Originally Posted by MyNameDidntFit
You've definitely got a way with the 1st person viewpoint 
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HAHA! I see a Champion in the midst.
ranmafan. PREPARE. FOR. FIRST PERSON. STORY-MATCH!
FPS-MATCH!!!
Anyways, I think its aight. Not as good as the 32 Hour one though. I felt that the guy was way too immature, all the "dude"s were a problem, fairly difficult to tell between thought and talk, and I didn't really feel much heart between the sister and brother. It wasn't very emotional driven. Almost as a matter of fact like. 32 Hours is clearly your better story.